Susan Snarks the Golden Globes

by Susan Sey

I realize this is no secret but I'll go ahead & confess: I'm a celebrity gossip junkie. Which means, of course, that my favorite season has just kicked off.

Awards season.

I don't know why I love awards shows so much. If there was ever a group of people who needed to congratulate themselves less, it's celebrities. These are fabulously gorgeous people who get professionally dressed up every stinkin' day. Do they really need to do it again on their night off?

Apparently so.

Of course, the Academy Awards are the big deal & I wouldn't miss it for the world. But my favorite, without question?

The Golden Globes.

Why the GGs? For one thing, it's the first major awards show of the season. We're all fresh & interested.

But second--and far more important--celebrities can drink at the Golden Globes. Considering the endless bottles of champagne at their tables, one might conclude they're practically encouraged to drink. And when celebrities drink, they give tipsy, ill-advised acceptance speeches.

I love the Golden Globes.

My husband, however, feels about the awards season the way I feel about the football season: Meh.

So I watch a great many of these shows alone. Which is not all bad. I'm probably as irritating as an armchair quarterback. In fact, I know I am. I have proof.

Here is a record of my brilliant & witty commentary on the whole thing, from the red carpet action straight through host Ricky Gervais' final acid-dipped salvo. You can ignore me any old time.

Hey, Christian Bale. Are you preparing to play Jesus next, or Barry Gibb?

Michelle William’s daisy dress. I dunno. Not working for me.

Is the sound cutting out, or are people really cursing that much?

This is the most gentle play-off/stop-talking music I’ve ever heard.

Ricky Gervais just introduced Bruce Willis as Ashton Kutcher’s dad. Hee.

Helen Mirrin is just hot. I’m sorry, she is.

And Chris Colfer is adorable. I want to put him in my pocket. I think he’d fit.

Am I alone in wondering if Lea Michele is really crying happy tears for Chris Colfer? Or is she just hogging camera time again?

Michelle Pfeiffer has a bangin’ body. Why, oh WHY would she wear saddle bags?

Wowza, Helena Bonham Carter. Still wearing your Bellatrix LeStrange hair?

I hope Tony Parker is at home gnashing his teeth because Eva Longoria is polished to a fine gleam.

What is it about Steve Buscemi’s wizened little self I find so appealing? He’s like a skinny little turtle inexplicably walking on his hind legs, and yet…I can’t look away.

Whoa, Jenny from the block. Not feeling the spangled poncho. You look like you’re wearing a harem girl’s skirt around your neck.

Justin Bieber is just snack sized, isn’t he?

I love it that Ricky Gervais just brings his drink out to the podium with him.

Anne Hathaway’s shoulder pads are like mini storage units.

Good lord, Al Pacino. Is Snooki doing your hair?

What is wrong with Dennis Quaid’s hair? It’s gone the way of Meg Ryan’s face.

On a side note, what the HELL is Tilda Swinton wearing? She looks like a nurse/nun as channeled by Maria from the Sound of Music. Maybe she made it herself out of old curtains?

Hey, dang, there’s Temple Grandin, hugging and kissing Claire Danes a little longer than Claire finds comfortable. Heh. And Jennifer Love Hewitt is looking like she’s already started drinking her disappointment away. Sorry, J Love.

I think Helena Bonham Carter has a crow trapped in her bosom. It looks sharp.

Ooooooh, Zac Efron cut his hair and packed on some muscle. When did that happen?

Hey, Aaron Sorkin. Boy, do I miss the West Wing. Did you know he has a degree in musical theatre? And occasionally dates Kristin Chenoweth? I wonder if he’s still occasionally dating cocaine?

Wow, Olivia Wilde went full out princess sparkly. I like it.

Blair Underwood….is that a leather jacket? A leather tuxedo jacket? Bold move, Mr. L A Law.

Melissa Leo just ended her speech with a heart-felt woohoo. Nice.

It would be tough to make a figure like January Jone’s look dumpy but damn, that dress made it happen.

Aw. They bleeped out the first few seconds of Paul Giamatti’s speech. I bet he cusses funny.

I don’t know how I feel about the sequined rose crowning Natalie Portman’s bosom. I think it’s pretty? Maybe if the dress weren’t such a blah color? A little awkward, though, when she announces her boyfriend totally wants to sleep with her, which is obvious because, hello, she’s preggers. Hmmm.

Poor Ricky Gervais is taking some jabs from the crowd tonight. Huh. It doesn’t seem like lighthearted fun, either. Would love to be a fly on the wall at the after parties tonight.

I like Sandra Bullock. I like her so much I want to kick Jesse James in the nuts myself. But oh, honey, those bangs are doing you no favors. Somewhere Kat Von D is smirking into her beer.

So how about you? Do watch the awards shows? Do you keep track of the awards or are you just in it for the fashion faux pas & the awkward moments? Will you watch the Oscars this year? What did you think of the Oscar nominees just announced? Exciting!