Divorce

Anonymous left the following comment on my last post and I was about to respond in the comments segment but then figured what the hell, I'll just post it. Here's the comment....


Anonymous said...

I have 2 young friends going through miserable divorces right now. You seem to have come through your divorce with some sanity and cordiality towards your former. How about a nice long post on how you know its time to get one and how to go through it with grace for the sake of the children? I think you could write with intelligence and certainly wisdom while looking back. Then I could refer my 2 friends to your site to learn about clothes. (They need a refresher course!) Please include if you can how you settle the custody and vacation issues. My views are outdated and your sweet daughter seems to lead a lovely life.

And my response.....
Let me first say that I’m sorry that you have two friends amidst the divorce process. I wouldn’t for a moment profess to be competent to provide credible advice regarding how to navigate through the toxicities of divorce. How could I, one who failed at marriage provide credible advice? What I will do is offer a few “statements”…how’s that?

1.      First...Get over yourself. Yes you are hurt and pissed off. Yes you want the world to see your point of view because of course, it’s the true one-the correct one-the one that should be the script-the narrative for what has and should happen. I would like to say that the birth of LFG was the defining moment of my life. It wasn’t. My divorce was. Don’t kid yourself into believing that just because your divorce may be a no-fault endeavour that the toxicity is somehow attenuated. It can still become messy and you can cling to your desire to be right-to win…however the hell you might purport defining that culmination…and the dollar and emotional costs of being “right” will stun you. I’m not saying become a doormat and allow yourself to be treated unfairly. All I’m offering for consideration is the option of seeking a fair and just conclusion with minimal “score settling”. Dragging it out is appetizing to only one constituency in the process…your attorneys.

2.      Second...Family Law is an oxymoron. There are good divorce lawyers out there I’m certain of it. However, keep in mind that it is not in their best interest for you to get over yourself and manifest a fair agreement overnight. Like me, lawyers are paid by the hour and they would starve if they settled all divorce cases in thirty days. I am not a lawyer basher. I’ve had in my professional life, my butt saved by good Counsel and I gladly toot the horn at an intellectual property lawyer here in Old Town any time I see him in traffic. I take great pride in knowing unequivocally that our little consultancy paid for the sports car from which he toots back. And he deserved every penny of it for saving our ass. Less than stellar lawyers will accommodate your desire to extract some revenge—gladly—at 325 an hour.

3.      Third...Your kids should be a filter not a lever. I’m not a proponent of the death penalty. It isn’t efficacious and I believe that vengeance is the currency of God. The reason that LFG’s mom and I resolved the custody-access-vacation issues in fifteen minutes, with a legal pad and pen, is because we both filtered our custody concerns through little LFG. She was two years old and deserved parents who intended to do right by her. We had and still have strong differences on many things. We are blessed to not have meaningful differences when it comes to LFG. The remaining issues involved in our no fault divorce, unfortunately required 2.5 additional and expensive years. If I could advocate the death penalty, it would be for those who use their kids as levers in the divorce process. Kids are NOT as resilient as the cliché suggests and they need to see two parents behaving civilly to each other. It often requires eating huge portions of humble pie and biting of one’s lip. Do it. Do it. Do it for your children. And guys…leave the macho “I’ll show her a thing or two” shit in the car. The only thing you’ll show by using her kids as a lever is just what a small and emotionally weak little pussy you are. Ok, so you caught your spouse smoking crack naked with the neighbor. I’m not saying that you have to hug them and smile when you see them. Just because LFG’s mother and I can go to lunch with LFG doesn’t mean I insist that your circumstances will ever be that civil. Just be decent when you have to. Trust me, if your former spouse is the turd you think they are, your kids when old enough, will discern it on their own.

4.      Fourth...Written Agreements are worthless…unless you commit to behave in the spirit of what said covenants dictate. Again, it may take some lip biting between bites of humble pie to manage this but it’s better than ending up back in the legal arena…at 325 an hour.

  

5.      Fifth...SunTzu said that “No one wins in a prolonged conflict”…Don’t let your quest to be “right” become your Vietnam.

6.      And finally…If you have kids, I would suggest that you read “Mom’s House-Dad’s House” cover to cover. I was so miserable and devalued that I skipped the chapter on post divorce dating. Why should I? Dating was the last thing on my mind. There’s a reason why I suggest that you read this superb book…cover to cover.

Ok, that’s it. Just “statements”. Not advice.